Grief Is Not a Checklist: The Quiet Pain We Often Miss

Grief is not linear. It is not tidy. It does not follow five clear stages

Grief is often misunderstood. We are taught that it has stages, timelines, and tidy endpoints. But in truth, grief is the loss of hopes, dreams, and expectations; and it rarely follows a predictable path.

We grieve when someone dies, yes. But we also grieve when a relationship ends, when a family fractures, when we are alienated from those we love, or when life simply does not unfold the way we had imagined. These forms of grief are often overlooked, dismissed, or misunderstood. Yet they can be just as life-altering.

As a grief and trauma-informed coach, I work with people navigating these quiet, complex forms of loss. Many arrive carrying emotions they have never spoken aloud, emotions that were minimised, pathologised, or ignored by others.

Over time, those emotions do not disappear. They embed themselves in the body, in the nervous system, and in the stories, people talk about themselves and the world.

Recently, I witnessed a moment that reflected this beautifully.

A small bronze statue of Paddington Bear, vandalised and temporarily removed from a local bench, was returned to the town where I live. To some, it was just a statue. But to many, it symbolised something more. People gathered for his return. Emotions stirred. For some, it felt silly. For others, surprisingly profound.

What I saw, and what I later wrote about, was the way grief can surface in the most unexpected places. The vandalism was not just a prank. It became a symbolic rupture. A reminder of vulnerability. A loss of innocence. And when Paddington returned, the relief mirrored something deeper: the longing for something to be restored.

What followed surprised me. In one space, people responded with warmth, resonance, and quiet understanding. In another, I was met with judgement. Some accused me of being opportunistic, simply because I had connected this experience to my work.

But this, too, is a lesson in grief.

• When we are not taught how to grieve, we learn to judge.

• When we do not feel safe enough to be vulnerable, we harden.

• When someone speaks to pain, we have buried, we may turn away or lash out.

This is why I do the work I do. I support people not just in grieving death, but in grieving estrangement, unmet milestones, fractured family bonds, and the pain of being emotionally or physically cut off from someone they love. I also offer a portion of my work each year through pro bono support with charities that serve those navigating family court processes and alienation.

Grief is not linear. It is not tidy. It does not follow five clear stages.

Dr Elizabeth Kübler-Ross, whose work introduced the now-famous five stages, later expressed discomfort with how her research had been misinterpreted. Her work was with people facing the end of their own lives, not with those left behind.

We each grieve in our own way, in our own time, and often more than once for the same loss.

If you are grieving, whether it is a visible loss or one no one else seems to understand, please know this:

• You are not broken. You are not too much. You are not alone.

• Grief is human.

• Grief is sacred.

And your grief deserves to be witnessed.

About Debi

Debi Richens is a Master Practitioner Coach & Trainer, in NLP, Hypnotherapy, and Timeline Resourcing®. She is a sought-after speaker and regular podcast guest, known for her soul-led, trauma-informed approach to emotional healing and relationship repair. Debi specialises in working with individuals navigating grief, estrangement, and emotional disconnection. You can find out more about Debi here.