Why Is It So Hard to Let Go When You’re Grieving?

Or: How is Living a Life of Pain Serving You?

Grief has a strange way of embedding itself into the everyday. For many people, the pain becomes a constant companion—sometimes sharp, sometimes dull, but always there.

In the early days after a loss, this is expected. The world feels different, and the absence of the person you’ve lost can be all-consuming. But when weeks stretch into months or years, and the pain refuses to ease, it’s worth asking: why is it so hard to let go?

Does Letting Go Mean Forgetting?

Letting go doesn’t mean forgetting. It doesn’t mean pretending everything is fine, or that what happened doesn’t matter. But holding tightly to pain, refusing to allow even the smallest bit of relief, can start to feel like a kind of loyalty.

Some people fear that if they stop feeling awful, it means the person they’ve lost didn’t matter enough. Others believe that the pain is all they have left—and to let it go would be to let go of the person entirely.

This isn’t weakness or dysfunction. It’s human. We hold on because we loved deeply, and we don’t always know what to do with the energy of that love when the person is no longer here. In some cases, grief becomes tangled with guilt, regret, or unresolved feelings.

Stepping Into The Unknown

These emotions can create a sense that we should suffer—that pain is the price we must pay.

But here’s the difficult truth: sometimes, pain can become familiar. It can even serve us, in ways we don’t always recognise.

Staying in pain can feel like a way to stay connected. It can also offer a strange kind of safety—a reason not to re-engage with life, a shield from new risks or relationships. Letting go of pain means stepping into the unknown, and that can feel frightening.

So, how do you begin to feel a little better—without feeling like you’re betraying your grief or the person you’ve lost?

Change Can Be Achieved

Start by acknowledging what the pain is really about. Is it sadness, or is it something else—anger, guilt, powerlessness? Being honest about what you’re carrying makes it easier to understand why it’s still with you.

You might also consider what your grief has stopped you from doing. Have you pulled away from others? Avoided things you used to enjoy? Noticed a reluctance to talk about the person because it brings too much emotion? These patterns are clues. And they’re also places where change, however small, can begin.

Talking to someone who is trained to help with loss can also make a real difference. Not to be told to move on or look for silver linings, but to be listened to, without judgment, and supported in releasing the pain without losing the love.

Letting go of pain is not the same as letting go of love. In fact, when the pain softens, space opens up for something else—memories, meaning, maybe even hope. You don’t have to live the rest of your life hurting. It’s possible to carry the love without carrying the weight.

And you deserve that.