Re-Framing Grief Beyond Bereavement

There are many different reasons to grieve

There are infinite sources of grief, just as there are infinite reasons to be happy. Impacts, absences, longings and changes may be different causes of grief. During the Grief Tending workshops we offer, there is a moment that often happens, when participants see that their acute grief may be entangled with other sorrows.

When a sudden and intense event, such as a heartbreak, a bereavement, or a separation happens in someone’s life, it may be the catalyst for coming to a Grief Tending workshop. Then during the workshop, people’s focus often widens and they see more of the whole picture. They see both the impact of the event, and the context it happens in. They may recognise additional losses that have happened because of the primary grief, and other wider reasons for grieving, which help them to understand why they are so affected.

There is a persistent, often unspoken assumption that it is acceptable to show distress when bereaved; although people often expect grief to look a particular way and last a prescribed amount of time.

When someone we love has died, we may feel we have permission to grieve. And bereavement is a really important time to acknowledge and allow feelings. It’s a really good reason to grieve, but it’s not the only one.

There are many different reasons to grieve. Every loss is worthy of grieving. People often imagine there is a hierarchy where different losses trump each other in terms of tragedy. People are quick to judge themselves too, aware that ‘others have it worse’.

Someone who is coping with the death of a beloved pet may feel judged for expressing strong emotions by others, for example. Comparing losses encourages unhelpful feelings of shame and judgement.

Imagine someone’s grief like a ‘body’ experiencing symptoms. We can look at its overall health, in which different injuries may be causing pain. Some injuries may be life-threatening - traumatic and complicated. But how easily the body recovers will depend on many factors.

The ability to cope with grief, like an immune system may already be struggling with chronic stresses. There may be old wounds, or underlying conditions that compound the current threat to health. In grief, as with our physical health, how we experience impacts will differ depending on our overall stamina, our resources, our network of support and our life history.

Timing is another factor which may add additional stress to an over-loaded system. Sometimes different losses might activate each other like a Newton’s Cradle. People often imagine that older people cope best with grief, because they have already experienced plenty, but the opposite can be true, because they may be experiencing multiple losses while also coping with a shrinking group of supportive friends. Like any challenge or trauma, we are better able to recover when we have a variety of ways to resource ourselves and feel well supported.

In times of uncertainty and polarisation, when we are disturbed by world events, and anxious about the future, there can be a background level of grief. Global events such as wars, famines, environmental issues and biodiversity loss may add to feelings of helplessness and hopelessness.

Sometimes people carry a whole catalogue of experiences to mourn both personal and collective; and from the past, present and future. Sometimes one seemingly small incident can open the flood gates to old or unknown lakes of emotion.

So often there is surprise as people re-frame what is grief-worthy. An ordinary life may include many things that cause suffering - such as unmet childhood needs, chronic illness, separations, parenting issues, repeating patterns, unfulfilling careers, regrets, as well as the loss of loved ones. It may include griefs that are not necessarily visible or understood by others.

Even when a chosen life-milestone is reached, there may be things to mourn as well as celebrate, as in any change of identity, such as a house move, a shift from single to partnered, becoming a parent, or from working to retired. Using the frame of grief co-existing with joy and excitement can help us make sense of changes.

Rather than feeling victims of life, by recognising multiple sources of grief, it can help us to find agency. Through understanding what we have endured, and beginning the work of recovery, we can also recognise our strengths, and in turning towards grief, develop more resilience.

About Sarah

Sarah Pletts is a Grief Tender and Artist who offers workshops in London and online, sharing rituals where grief on all themes is welcome. You can learn more about Sarah here - and for more information about Grief Tending see the Embracing Grief website.