The sound of someone's voice often brings comfort
Last week, I had the pleasure of listening to a talk by Maria Hanson MBE, founder of me&dee, a Derbyshire-based charity dedicated to helping families facing short or challenging futures.
Part of the charity’s work includes supplying these amazing cuddly elephants called Hope. Hope has a very special function to record and save the sound of a loved one’s voice. Please look them up and support them if you can. Their work is just incredible.
Hearing Maria’s talk got me thinking. One of the lesser-discussed but profoundly unsettling aspects of loss is the fear of forgetting—particularly, the fear of forgetting the sound of a loved one’s voice after they’ve died.
It is a common fear that forgetting someone’s voice, a key part of your connection with the person who has died, might slip away with time.
This fear is valid, and it can add another layer of pain to an already heavy emotional burden. Voices are deeply tied to our memories and emotions. The sound of someone's voice often brings comfort, making us feel as though they’re still with us, even in a small way.
When that connection starts to fade, it can feel as though we are losing the person all over again.
Why Do We Fear Forgetting a Voice?
There’s something incredibly intimate about hearing someone’s voice. It’s not just the words they say, but how they say them—their tone, their laughter, their expressions of love. The sound of their voice can immediately transport us back to moments we shared, conversations we had, and the emotional closeness we felt.
For many grieving individuals, their loved one’s voice becomes a lifeline to the past. As time passes, other memories may blur or fade, but the voice often feels like the last tangible connection. Losing that connection can make the finality of death more real, deepening the sense of loss.
The Psychology Behind This Fear
The fear of forgetting isn’t just about memory—it’s about our desire to hold on to something that feels irreplaceable. Voices are stored in a part of the brain linked to emotion and memory. Unlike photographs or videos, voices carry the emotional nuances of a person’s personality. Losing this can feel like we’re letting go of an essential part of them.
The fear of forgetting can be attached to somehow dishonoring the person we loved by not remembering them clearly enough. This thought, while entirely untrue, is a natural response to loss.
What Can Be Done?
Preserving Their Voice: While not always possible, if there are recordings or voicemails, you might find comfort in keeping these. Replaying them can bring feelings of both joy and sadness, and it can also provide comfort in hearing the familiar sound, helping to keep the memory alive.
Write it Down: If recordings aren’t available, try writing down things that allow you to remember the essence of their voice, such as phrases they often used or their advice, jokes, or expressions of love.
Talk to Them: Even though they are no longer physically present, many people find comfort in speaking to their loved ones as if they could still hear. Talking to them in your mind, or out loud, can provide emotional relief and help maintain the feeling of connection.
Letting Go
It’s important to recognise that forgetting the exact tone of their voice doesn’t mean you’re forgetting them. Grief is not a test of how well you remember every detail about the person who has died. It’s about continuing to live while carrying them in your heart. As time passes, your memories of their voice may evolve, but that doesn’t erase the love or the importance of the bond you shared.
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