The Adjustment Phase After Loss: When It Happens, What it Looks Like & How to Work Through It

How to find a way forward while still holding on to the person you've lost

In my line of work as a Licensed Funeral Director, I experience families every day who are presenting in different places of the grief process. Anger, sorrow, anguish, emotional agony. All the things, and they all present in their own valid way.

There are, however, many people who have a much more succinct, goal-oriented approach to their grief process. This is something I can identify with when meeting with families at my funeral home, or clients in private or group sessions through my private practice, as I am an extremely goal-oriented person as well.

I do best with timelines, and strategies for how best to manage my experiences, my expectations, and in order to utilise my emotional energy to the fullest potential.

Here's the rub, though: Such a highly-effective routine of emotional micromanagement doesn't really lend itself well in terms of efficacy when it comes to grief. Grief does not adhere to emotional micromanagement, and it cares not for our timelines.

There is a natural metronome within the experience of grief over which we have no control, much to the dismay of many, and our concept of proper timing for the grief experience has no bearing on how the process will unfold.

If I Can Just Get Through the Day of the Funeral…

Still, as prepared for grief as one may be, there is a commonality that I have seen while working as a funeral director, and a grief and bereavement specialist:

Many people have convinced themselves, "If I can just get through the day of the funeral, I will be fine." Or, "I just need this to be over as quickly as possible, so if we can schedule the services as soon as we can, it would be great."

These families are not placing undue pressure on me, but they are placing unrealistic expectations upon themselves. And, more often than not, these conversations with my families and clients roll seamlessly into a discussion of the adjustment phase.

What Is the Adjustment Phase?

The adjustment phase is the portion of the grief process to which I offer a great deal of attention, because it is the part that few people expect to be as difficult as it often is.

In my personal and professional experience, the adjustment phase is the window of time after services (of any nature) have concluded, and the crowd of people in our circle that initially enveloped us in presence and support gradually begin to fade away, one-by-one, for one reason or another.

We begin to become so acutely-aware of the reality of our loss in a way that can jolt us into states of panic, because we were confident the funeral services would be the worst of the loss experience, and it had to go up from there. But now, we're sleeping alone in a bed that suddenly seems to be massive for the first time in years, watching TV alone, and eating meals without our person(s).

A Period of Brutal Recognition

The adjustment phase is a period of brutal recognition of just how different our worlds have suddenly become, because all of the little, comparatively-insignificant moments littered throughout our days all look different now.

This is a moment where most people want to yield to the thought that life will never be the same again as it was before. They're right, because it isn't. But, that doesn't mean the harrowing reality of life after loss experienced during the adjustment phase cannot be walked through. With the help of friends, family, coaches, mentors, and/or clinical professionals, the adjustment phase can be navigated.

Two Frameworks for Navigating the Adjustment Phase

Theoretical frameworks such as Stroebe & Schut's (1999) Dual Process Model and Robert Neimeyer's (2019) Meaning Reconstruction Model are two of my go-to's when I speak with families and clients about the adjustment phase.

Stroebe & Schut's Dual Process Model

In short: Stroebe & Schut (1999) suggest that we oscillate between feeling loss-oriented and feeling restoration-oriented. This model leaves all of the room imaginable for us to toggle between periods of feeling comparatively okay, and periods of what feels to be emotional ruin. This is, in my experience, the most human of the theoretical frameworks that I have studied.

Neimeyer's Meaning Reconstruction Model

Robert Neimeyer (2019), however, suggests more than just a theory - he suggests a strategy for moving forward. This is exactly why I love Neimeyer for this topic: His Meaning Reconstruction Model conducts a deep-dive into the things we loved most about the one(s) we have lost, and suggests ways which we can carry memories forward with us into our lives ahead, instead of either forfeiting those memories because they are too painful, or being anchored down while trying to hang onto them.

It is important to remember that our lives do not have to end when we lose someone, or something, important to us. We just need to work towards reframing things in such a way that we can move about freely, while still holding onto a healthy love for who/what we have lost.

What Meaning Reconstruction Can Look Like

For some, meaning reconstruction means altering the rituals and routines that we had with those we've lost. This will rightfully look and feel different, and uncomfortable.

For example, if Tuesday night was date night at the favourite local restaurant, depending on your comfort level, you might try keeping to the Tuesday routine. If Tuesday brings on the feeling of overwhelm, try switching to a different night. And, if there was a big trip planned before the loss occurred, take the trip anyway.

After losing someone or something important to us, we have a unique opportunity to see how fragile life is, and how little time we get to do the things that mean something to us. We don't get to curate the essence of the ones we lose, but we do get to decide how we carry their memory in ways which honour them, and ourselves.

Moving Forward, Not Moving On

By considering Stroebe & Schut's Dual Process Model, we may offer ourselves a little bit of grace knowing that the ups and downs of grief are normal, that grief is not a linear process, and our reaction to grief is not an indication that we have become unwell, but rather a clear indication of our innate humanness.

By exercising Neimeyer's Meaning Reconstruction Model, we can better encapsulate the thought process of moving forward through our grief, instead of trying to move on - learning how to live, instead of struggling just to survive.

About Adam Annable, M.Sc, CT, CFSP

Adam is a Certified Fellow in Thanatology, Certified Grief Coach and Licensed Funeral Director. His specialist areas include disenfranchised grief, non-death loss, delayed and masked grief, anticipatory grief, addiction counselling, and LGBTQ-related loss. You can find out more about Adam here.