• Debi

How are you holding onto your grief?

Some of us internalise feelings, leaving us unable to speak of what we are experiencing.



Death is not the only form of grief that we experience in our lives. Grief can be felt for many other losses in our lives, such as divorce, miscarriage, job loss, health loss, and relationship breakdown to name but a few.


Until we start to acknowledge that, there will continue to be many things that trigger our emotions and our emotional reactions to others.

Death though is an interesting one, as the way we find out about the imminent death, or the death of another will also have a huge impact on how we react to the grief exhibited by those around us.


Some of us internalise feelings, leaving us unable to speak of what we are experiencing, whilst many will share loving, compassionate thoughts, and some will react in a more aggressive way.


All of these responses will relate to your own past experiences of grief.

If you have been treated with compassion and kindness, you will invariably share that with others when you relate to their expression of grief.


However, if you have been treated in a cruel manner, mainly due to family breakdown, whether it be by estrangement or alienation, it is natural to feel huge swathes of emotion that you did not realise were still buried so deeply within yourself. Especially, if you did not get to say goodbye to a person that was significant in your life.


When we share about grief, sometimes we take the step to share with some privately before we talk further, because we care enough about them to consider them first, even before our own family.


Equally, our family dynamics may be such that not everyone we have to speak with reacts in a considerate way.

We may be dealing with the pressures of misogyny, or just downright fear of the impending change to come in our lives.


I have come to understand that all of these reactions are because of underlying grief that is not resolved, and the news we have had to impart is triggering those unresolved issues.


I know that I am not responsible for the reactions that others exhibit – it is their stuff, not mine.

Grief Recovery is a powerful tool, when used consistently it will release all kinds of stuck stuff, and since I took my first steps I have unravelled all kinds of things that I had not even understood carried grief.


Sticking at it, and being compassionate towards myself has been the key, and in doing so, I am able to step back from things and not absorb the stuff that I used to.


About Debi


Debi Richens

The Founder of The Soul Phoenix Emotional Resilience Coaching, Debi Richens is an Emotional Resilience coach who works in Trauma, PTSD, Grief, and Loss. Debi has a particular interest in Parental Alienation, Grandparent Alienation and Estrangement - having a firm belief that everyone should be afforded a voice and be heard and supported.

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