Beyond The Casserole

When we are grieving we need action more than words

We’ve all said it and still do. Many of us have had it said to us “If there's anything I can do just let me know”.

It’s become a stock phrase.

Something we’ve heard said through generations when we learn of bad news. We feel it’s the right thing to say. Not that it’s a bad thing to say. It's better than saying nothing but has anyone you’ve offered that help to ever took you up on it? My guess is not.

This is by no way judgmental but by way of awareness and please, don't feel guilty if that’s been your go to cliche.

When we are grieving we need action more than words. It’s often the most lonely, isolating place imaginable.

This isn’t the case in some cultures where whole communities tend those that are bereaved.

Speaking from personal experience as a middle class, white female, adult orphan, living in semi rural Yorkshire, that didn’t happen. All I needed was a hug or a “thought you might need a natter”.

When we are grieving we’re not in a place to be reaching out for a hug or that help, as kindly as it may be offered. We need it to come to us.

People retell how others deflect their gaze or walk across the street to avoid talking to them. Others get a card politely pushed through the door or as is more common these days a text with a crying emoji or a broken heart which is all very nice but is it enough?

If you’ve never been in that unenviable position perhaps you don’t know any different. Even before I lost my parents I was the one arranging a collection for flowers or turning up on the doorstep yes with a condolence card but also a knock on the door.

Never was I told to go away. I was asked in, I offered a hug, and was given a cuppa. I sat and I listened.

I was the one turning up with a cooked chicken and ready made salad bowl to offer sustenance because that felt the right thing to do.

I offered to do the practice stuff like informing the GP a loved one had died. A call that they’d not done or thought of. I needed to feel useful at a time when many of us feel helpless.

I’ve also been the one that didn’t know that person, pet, job, relationship they’d lost meant so much to them and did nothing. Now I know better.

So what's the worst that could happen? They shut the door in your face? Tell you to Foxtrot Oscar ? Not come to the door?

If that happens politely leave the proverbial casserole on the door stop.

Go armed with a post-it and add a note. Saying “thinking of you” or "I'll give you a call later”. Just make sure you follow through on that call. They might not answer but keep reaching out. Don’t give up on them.

My guess is that beef stew will be welcomed and you will have made that person, that family feel safe, feel loved and less alone.

So next time before sending that emoji, stop and think. How about a “will you be in this afternoon? Is it ok if I pop round?” “Can I watch the kids for an hour or walk the dog?”

Think beyond the casserole.

About Tracy

Tracy Beavis brings both professional expertise and profound personal understanding to her work as a certified Edu-Therapy Grief Resolution Specialist. Based in Doncaster, Tracy supports individuals navigating not only the loss of loved ones but also the grief that comes with shattered hopes, dreams, and aspirations. Tracy offers both one-to-one and small group sessions, either in-person or online. You can find out more about Tracy here.